5. I had a coupon for free pants. I’d attempted to redeem it several months ago. I think the pants are finally in the mail. This makes me rest easier. Now I can focus on the show, and not have to worry about the pants.
4. Technically I haven’t received the pants yet. I just got an email from a lady at the pants place saying they’ve been sent. I have a tracking number, but the package history goes blank after last Thursday. This concerns me.
3. I’m relying on a neighbor to collect my mail while I’m out of country. She seems nice but I haven’t really trusted her with anything of this magnitude. I don’t think she’d steal the pants. Not for herself, anyway. She has a petite frame and they’d never fit. But she could use them to lure male suitors of my size.
2. I wish I’d never answered this survey. I was doing fine until you made me think of the pants. The odd thing is, I HAVE pants. No shortage of trousers. But these pants, their evasiveness intrigues me.
1. I’m never getting this goddamn pants so you may as well just come to the show for chrissakes.
Kyle Kinane is on at The Victoria Hotel