1. Your mother has promised you to a wealthy old landowner, and you crave a night’s respite from his cruel bluster and ill-fitting wooden teeth.
2. You’re a doctor seeking shelter from weeping families and their many questions.
3. You’re a tall drink of water, clad in flannel and barely-contained sexual energy, free for the night from the sweet-and-sour approaches of your much-widowed employer.
4. You’re a con-man who had to assume the role of a priest 25 years ago, but circumstance kept you in the vestments when the game went south.
5. You’ve a quick hand and a cute smile, but one glimpse of those limpid blues’ll tell even the stiffest boozehound you’re just no damn good.
Martin Dunlop: All Change Is Death is on at Tuxedo Cat from April 9-19. For more information and bookings visit: