1. Things aren’t Good on the Home Front
After two pandemic-riddled years, nobody is blaming you for hating being home. You’re sick of it, your partner is sick of you, there’s nothing left to watch… go see something live. Leave your partner at home, that no-dish-washing piece of shit doesn’t deserve a night out but you do! So you find four other friends to utilise the Group Discount and book tickets to Daniel Muggleton. Maybe even cheat on your partner with one of them? It’s a Thursday, they’re giving you the eye… go for it!
2. Things still aren’t Good at Home
You went out, saw the best comedy show you’ve ever seen but still… home just isn’t cutting it. Surely the guilt from cheating on your partner would at least rekindle things for a bit? Lying always makes me horny, I don’t want to make assumptions about you but Catholic guilt always gets me going. Anyway, come see the show again, this time on your own to reduce the risk of cheating (I’m married, sorry). Laughter is the best medicine.
3. You’ve Broken Up with your Long-Term Partner and are Back Living with your Parents
Hey, there’s no shame in that. You tried to make things work, you cheated to save the relationship, you told them the truth and they were too immature to understand. That’s chill, ditch that loser and move back in with your folks – there’s no shame in that, take the cat with you as a hostage. But it’s been 37 minutes and your parents are already driving you insane, you’ve gotta get out. I’ve got a solution, go see the same comedy show again – the repetition will be comforting, I promise.
4. You’ve got a Tinder Date, for the First Time in Years, and Need Somewhere to Not-Talk to Them
I mean they’ve got a sweet rig but who knows what level their chat is at? It’s a minefield out there, you’re crazy to have dumped your soulmate over some stand-up cheating in the first place. Best play it safe, get loaded at the comedy show and see if their personality is up to snuff at a reasonable hour like 9:15pm. Luckily you’ve already found your favourite comedian and you’ll be too drunk to remember any of the jokes this time.
5. This Week’s been Hell, but you’re Back Together with your Partner and need Somewhere to Celebrate because… you’re Pregnant!
Why not the comedy show that started it all? The paternity tests can wait.
Daniel Muggleton performs White & Wrong (But Mostly White) at Kicks Mar30 – Apr 24